The Chlamydia Dilemma

Over a Sunday afternoon Skype with a friend, I was told the story of how a baseless chlamydia scare managed to put sex on hold, indefinitely.

If I were to make a movie based on this story, the storyboard would start out as nothing out of the ordinary - Two young professionals meet in a bar, they hit it off over cocktails, they go home together, have sex and continue to communicate their desire for each other afterwards.

You keep watching because both of them happen to be extremely good looking and well-off. It’s basically any rom com starring Hugh Grant, except in this movie, a couple of days after they have sex, the girl (played by Julia Roberts, obviously) gets her blood test results back and is told she might have tested positive for chlamydia.

“WHAT YOU MEAN ‘MIGHT’??? HOW COME I GOT CHLAMYDIA ONE????” screams Julia Roberts as she clutches the lab report in disbelief at a very fancy looking doctor’s office (possibly Prince Court Medical Centre.)

(Ok to be fair, if it were Julia Roberts, she would have probably said that in a more mat salleh friendly way, but this is my article about my movie and I get to make Julia Roberts sound like a DVD salesman from Jinjang.)

The doctor (played by either Jalaludin Hassan or Tony Eussoff) doesn’t know why the lab tested Julia Roberts’ blood for chlamydia because it is not possible to test for chlamydia with a blood sample*. He then finds out the nurse forgot to take a urine sample, is outraged, and promptly fires her in dramatic fashion to prove to Julia and the other patients waiting outside that they are serious about STD testing at his clinic. After that, he takes a vaginal swab from Julia to run another round of tests (a pivotal scene, but one which will no doubt be censored at any local cinema.)

*Chlamydia tests on women are done with a urine sample or swab test. If a woman has a swab test, it can be taken from the cervix, or inside the lower vagina. Occasionally the doctor or nurse may advise you to have a swab test from the urethra. If you have had anal or oral sex you might also be offered a swab test taken from the rectum or throat. This isn’t done on everyone though.

While waiting for round 2 of her results, Julia Roberts decides to tell her new friend Hugh Grant about the experience.

“How ridiculous, it’s obviously a mistake!”

When she gets her test results back confirming she does not have chlamydia, she again shares the news with him and they have a laugh at a trendy eatery downtown. Sipping his 15 ringgit glass of coke, he strokes her hair and tells her he appreciates her honesty in dealing with the matter.

At this point, Julia is convinced he is the most perfect guy in the universe. Not only is he smokin’ hot; he’s kind, successful, rich, and has a good understanding of sexual health issues. What more could a girl ask for?? The stars are aligned, the wedding will probably happen in September.

The next day, he stops calling her.

On the Sunday of our Skype chat, he has not called for 5 days. Each bit of texting since the chlamydia chat has been at her behest, and she doesn’t know why.

“You know what June, if he was only marginally good looking, this wouldn’t be an issue. But he’s gorgeous and I really like him, and besides, he doesn’t even have a reason to be like this! I don’t have chlamydia!!!”

I asked Julia to consider if it had been him with the chlamydia scare instead of her. Wouldn’t she have been afraid? I know would have been.

Chlamydia’s a tricky one - it’s known as ‘the silent killer’ because most of the time there are no symptoms whatsoever. Nothing that would make you think you need to go to the doctor. But if you’ve got it and you don’t know you’ve got it, you could be spreading it to your partner(s). And while you’re doing that; the chlamydia could be spreading to other parts of your body. This can lead to a variety of complications you really don’t wanna be dealing with. Women may experience pelvic inflammatory disease, cervicitis, and even infertility. Men on the other hand risk getting an inflammation of the urethra (read: pain when urinating, weird discharge, irritation and soreness), pain the ball sack, and reactive arthritis.

Given all that, I said to Julia, it’s probably less to do with him not being that into you; and more to do with him just being scared shitless he might get chlamydia.

Of course, if he had been really into her, and really informed about sexual health issues, he might have insisted on them both going to get tested for confirmation and peace of mind. Then maybe the wedding might have happened in September. But I guess it’s still a win-win situation because now she knows for sure that she didn’t have chlamydia or the perfect man to begin with.

On a more serious note, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting tested regularly if you’re sexually active. It doesn’t matter whether you’re with the same partner, changing partners, having protected sex, having unprotected sex, having sex with random bits of furniture - as long as you’re having sex, the person who’s in charge of looking after your health is you.

Especially when you consider how all those health complications I mentioned above could have been detected early and treated with a simple course of antibiotics, is it really worth delaying that trip to the doctor?

To quote another movie about sexual health, Forest Hump - “Sex is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”

Read more about chlamydia here: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/stds-hiv-safer-sex/chlamydia-4266.htm